In Keeping With My Love of All Whisperers

I did appreciate the v-day post to Craig's List by the self-titled Dude Whisperer, who wrote in that he deeply understood "men," w(eva)tf that means. Judge for yourself:
The Dear Abby of Dude Whispering "explains" all here.

Sometimes Feeling Bonded with Others?

Not all it is cracked up to be.

It turns out that my mind-body connection is solid to the point of being unhelpful ... because my mind has a strong "collective response system," acting in response to things that happen not to me but to those I know. And my body? My body is hugely self-protective against extreme abstinence. Even others' abstinence.

So it was bad enough last year when D. and J. stopped drinking for the 40 days of Lent because my normally-sober-self? I drank every single day of it, and I drank a lot every one of those days. Like I was drinking for everyone. For every minute they were gonna miss. Seriously. I was as happy when Lent ended as a person swimming in depressants could be. Really, this mind-body collective spirit thing was not good for me.

So that was bad enough, but it was basically an extended version of what happens to me at the beginning of each school year, when I drink like a fish for a week straight before moving back to my usual sobriety for the rest of the year. But then last week Kieferrific and her friends all went on that extreme Master Cleanse [which La Mystery informs me Beyonce and Oprah just “adore.”] OK, fer real, thank god I knew neither what it was nor the Beyonce connection when the Kieferrific approached me to do it, too. I figured I would try it, because I like the concept of trying new things, even if not the actuality of it.

Now it has been five days later and here are the results:

Kieferrific and her dear girlfriends? Went on the Master Cleanse. Purged toxins, became glowy and effervescent, lost weight, felt ethereal. They are all happy, shimmery, going to the gym, peaceful, svelted, and devoid of any and all old gunky junk clinging to their insides to poop out. Anywhere. They are so very happy with themselves.

Meanwhile I? My brain even hearing about the possibility of doing a Master Cleanse overwhelmed it, causing it to quake to its core.

And so my body? My body went into full-on Fight or Flight symptoms, craving and downing every veggie burger/dog/fry basket for miles, gorging on all manner of baked chocolate treat, downing beer and liquor every single night since we even talked about doing it. [Never mind that under normal circumstances I am attached at the hip to green leafy veggie soups, rarely drink, and totally dislike chocolate.] End result? I probably gained weight, fer shure gained an intense feeling of grossness, and mos def added extensive major toxin internal coatings to my innards... all on THEIR master cleanse. Go me!

And so I beg of you, if you are in my community, please do not cut deny yourself things in such a potent way. As a member of your community, I just cannot handle it. I thank you.

Kieferrific, My Human Anti-Twin

Kieferrific happens upon my kitchen, a veritable half-way house for all strange appliances and kitchen accoutrements passed on by my increasingly purging nonagenarian neighbors. And she sees the '50s sandwich maker and remarks:

'Giiiiiiirl, you don’t need to get married – you already have the appliances you could ever want.'

Aaaaaaaaaw. Cute Kieferrific moment, a rather interesting commentary on marriage as an institution, and yet another indication that our cranial paths personify “Opposite Day.”