Grad school completed
Timed to cold weather returns
Typical. I cope.
On Monday I turned over three copies of a bound, 104 page paper to my Muppet professor, who reacted by saying,
1. I am so proud of you.
2. I never wanted you in this program.
3. I fought to keep you out.
4. You are quite tenacious.
5. You should get this published.
6. You should get a PhD.
7. You are NOT coming to graduation?! Why not?!
8. Have a square of bittersweet chocolate.
The Muppet is sooooo funny, no?
On Tuesday, I turned in my final for my last class. Our final assignment was to write a song. Could I have waited, I would've written that song about my class. My last class on grad school consisted of the following:
1. Students bring EVERY imaginable form of off-white food to class. It is almost creepy how much food can be off-white. Even the wine couldn't blush. Even the strawberries paled in fear. Typically, the tomato and green chile of a certain someone's corn bread felt uncomfortably out of place, and florescent pink frosting of a certain - perhaps same - someone's peppermint butter cookies stood out sorely. Surprise.
2. When I point out this is the second time we've broken a meal of off-white bread together, I am glared at. Apparently, off-white food is suggestive, perhaps of something race related? Don't get me started on this.
3. Students evaluate professor on scantron. I will keep this description to myself. Luckily for this unspoken process, I happen to like Palm-Sweats himself.
4. Students drink to oblivion in classroom.
5. Students turn in final - a portfolio of 30 poems.... 15 related to a theme (mine is about folks on the 22 MUNI), 15 from the class assignments.
6. S smiles at Palm-Sweats a Lot. Blinks. Says, "Sometimes 30 looks a lot like 18." Blink. Hand over rather lightweight envelope. Prof blinks back. Appears mildly confused. S figures he will eventually figure this out.
7. Drunken students pull out our assignment for the day - to write a song.
8. S has learned many things during grad school. One of these things is not like the others, but this one is right in line, for it is a "S should never..." moment. This one is "S should NEVER become a songwriter."
9. S has also learned that when drunken, sex-poetry-obsessed, white hipster mid-western boys start circling you saying comments like, "You smell delicious this evening," it is time to go.
10. S has also learned that when drunken, sex-poetry-obsessed, white hipster mid-western boys have written an "underground, like Jay-Z" rap that they want to perform, it is long past time to go.
11. S employs learning from her time in faculty meetings. If you put your bag on your shoulder and BACK OUT of a room with a "Hi everyone!" smile on your face, people will become confused and believe you are arriving.
12. S casually walks by the window outside the classroom as she flees campus. Drunken students inside classroom, between song crooning, are discussing which bar to "move" class to. Those who notice her outside look mildly confused, but S figures they will attribute this to being a surreal Simpsons' moment or something chemically induced.
13. S has liberated herself to go home and graduate from other aspects of her current life.
And so I am quite done. People keep asking how I will celebrate. Thus far it has consisted of recycling every ounce of paper related to grad school, reading into the wee hours a book for pleasure, listening to deafeningly loud live music, witnessing the incredible abilities of my students to inhale pizza and brownies, and encountering an armadillo. I am open to suggestions. Good times.
1 comment:
you look too funny
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