Screw the Ides of March: Truncated Diatribe #2789

Honestly, I don't know why everyone hates March so much. Now, February? I understand that. Even in a leap-year, February has a short-guy complex of Napoleonic proportions. There are some kerjillion potential Holiday Mondays in February that could further chisel away at this Farcockteh February that's farshlepteh krenk, but to no avail. Might as well end of Daylight Savings Time during February while you're at it and take away one more hour of February. S.F. was bone-cold damp, teachers looked like the cast of Shawn of the Dead, whippersnappers were snarkier and more V-Day sugared-up than ever, the honeymoon was over, and poor lunar new year was really just starting to crawl backwards, so it could not defend itself. Thus it is my political position that at least north of the equator, we should make some changes:

1. There should be 11 principal months, all with 33 days in them. No prime numbers, no musical-learner rhymes or knuckle counting to figure out when to manually roll-forward your old watch's date function into the next month, no more variations in answers to extra credit math problems such as, "LeRoy bought 17 oranges to ensure he got the same dose of Vitamin C every day. If he wants the pile of oranges to last three month, how many oranges can he eat each day and how many should he refrigerate until he is ready?" And the system would take care of 363 days of the year.

2. Then there would be 1-2 days of February. Any day that falls in February would be a holiday. February would become Festive February. People would be disappointed if it was a "short" February rather than a "long" one. This change in February's self image would be healthy, despite the unfortunate caveat of "excluding the month of February" from any and all math word problems remotely resembling the aforementioned example.

In the meantime, I wriggle in delight at the balmy sunshine of S.F's March arrival and embrace the Ides with open arms while such a thing still exists.

Post-It Note: My friend Mistry pointed out that I could push my agenda on the various candidates running for particular federal offices and see who will take it on, offering the promise of my vote in return. Why not? Issue focused voters are all the rage these days.