Let's Just Be Clear on the Plan

The plan is, having survived this crazy surgery situation, NOT to destroy my insides by getting run over by an SUV on my own corner.

Just so as we are all clear.

Apparently not everyone had received the plan outline, however. On Sunday the Bear Whisperer and I embarked on the slowest walk to Dolores Park ever recorded by my shoes. I got one half of one block before we started to cross the street. On a green light. About halfway across the street, I found the grill of a gleamy blue SUV all up on my ass. The driver was rolling his eyes, waving his arms at me as I puttered across the crosswalk. Green light. Did I mention that? Unable to contain himself for the 3 seconds more it would take me to shufflingly reach the sidewalk, he blasted his horn in my ear while he turned his wheels and spun alongside me out just beyond my hair to drive as close next to me as possible. Rather than taking off, he took the opportunity to blast the horn at me again and scream about how slow I was. Yawn - SUV road rage... wasn't that so 1990s California Highway?

Turns out that, while I am slow, I do still have a trigger reaction to SUVs almost running me over in crosswalks while I am walking on a green light. I mentioned it was still my green light, right? And, oh, I have a seemingly bottomless pit of pent up rage. So that is something.

So I smashed my hand onto the hood of the car, stuck my head in the open windowed backseat, causing a rustle to the two women perched back there, and screamed something like, "I just had f*$%ing surgery, so I am going to be a little slow. What's your excuse for being an a--hole, eh? F*$% you - get the f*$% out of my neighborhood."

Ahem. (Smooth down hair.) The Bear Whisperer looked terrified... both of the situation and of me, which made sense since he has never ever seen me hoppin' mad, since it takes buckets to get me hoppin' mad. The pedestrian who witnessed the whole thing stood at the corner and applauded my self-righteousness. Aw, community. I smiled and waved, which further scared the BW. Apparently directed rage followed by peacefulness is also confusing to some.

And I learned several things today: You can get a six-pack of abs without attending a gym. And, stitches and sores can be a chore, but words they now can hurt me. Because it turns out that punching your head into an open SUV window? Uses your abs. Slamming your hand on SUV hoods? Uses your abs. Yelling obscenities? Strains your abs into stinging pain. Greeeeaaaat. In the future, I will be taking license plates and simply calling in smog checks on these nitwits, thereby protecting my abs and my serious lack of a washboard stomach.